A safe space for me to vent to you
I sent this message to my staff last week:
There’s so many things to break down here, but this message is for the leaders.
If you do not understand or identify with leadership then this might not be fun for you.
But the cold, hard facts behind “Action creating Action” is exactly this: you will make wrong moves
You will feel like you aren’t being seen, heard, understood
Like nothing is happening
“Is anybody even listening?”
“Is it only I that finds value in … me?”
You will slip into scarcity
You will fall victim to the negativity bias in your brain that will drive you so maniacal insane that you won’t even be able to sleep at night
It happened. Two weeks ago I went 3 consecutive sleepless nights
Two nights ago my chest was so tight, my heart was pounding, it felt horrible — like a near heart attack that my lovely girlfriend was able to calm and center me from
It’s the crippling insufficiency that in the midst of my companies all growing in all of the metrics that matter — it never feels like enough
Tomorrow it’ll all be gone:
The dream company that I’ve spent 11 years building
The podcast that I’ve poured 4 years of passionate creativity into
The woman who is beyond anything my mind had ever dreamt of being able to be real — and to be my loving comrade through this life
The social network of like-minded high achievers. The perfect pup for a flawed man, The gracious supporters who read my work, The BMW, the clients winning shows, the confidence, the ability to make others feel like they belong
It’ll all up and vanish
I know this is crazy
I know it makes no sense
But the crippling anxiety that couples the thoughts of my world crashing down — tomorrow — might just be what drives me to such insane measures to ensure the “goodness” in what I am doing
If I can find “goodness” in what I am doing then maybe I can be centered. Maybe it’ll all be okay and maybe the negativity bias that strongholds my soul will turn into a place for my mind to feel at ease, my soul to feel warm, and my heart to feel rested
But maybe that doesn’t exist
Maybe we — as leaders — as innovators — as creatives
Maybe we aren’t supposed to feel that
Maybe we are supposed to feel like we quite literally don’t matter and we are running from the traumas that torture the deepest, darkest locked away spaces of our existence
When you really look into the vastness of the universe I guess it becomes quite real that we don’t matter all that much
But then I hop on a call with a Champions Club client — I have Brian Thompson in 45 minutes after this staff call
Brian is doing absolutely amazing. Look at this and tell me this isn’t real
That is someones life changing
That work being done IS real… and it’s right in front of my eyes
Yes something seems so — insufficient
There may be an imposter syndrome as I have been doing the same thing every other bodybuilding coach does with my business for the longest time, until we re branded to TogetherMore fitness
Charging tiny amounts of monetary value for huge amounts of effort to people who didn’t appreciate the energy exchange
And that’s since changed to working 1:1 with people about things far outside of “just” fitness
The work makes me so much happier
The insufficiency, yet, still looms
I want to say this like I said to my staff (who is freaking killing it right now, CRAZY proud of what we are doing. Thank you guys)
Scarcity is going to come and settle in
If that is what consumes you, that is what other people pick up on in the world
Your dog will act scarce and overly protective to things that it values (credit to my athlete Jacquelyn for this thought earlier in the week)
The friends around you will speak about other people or the bad things happening or the latest drama
The other person will get the deal the you were competing for
Opportunity knocks on the door of the most prepared
It will always show itself to you when you are ready to accept it
So how can we shift?
How do I have all of these — truthfully, DARK, like REALLY dark thoughts go through my head and pivot my energy towards being abundant?
I’ve been sitting here watch the line blink for maybe 34 seconds or such
I truly don’t know
I think behind the sufficiency, the traumas, the doubt, the negativity bias
I think maybe actually I do feel worthy
And that I am capable of the vision I have
And that I really do change peoples lives
That I am more than just a value add — I do feel somewhat human behind the masks that I put on for society
And that human is filled with “goodness” to give to others
When the core of your existence has been bad — and now has turned to “goodness” — maybe that’s what this entire monologue of my mind has been searching to give me and to give you
Maybe when you’re truly operating out of “goodness” the abundance flows to you and through you
Maybe the darkness is used to humble you
Maybe — just maybe — all of this truly is worth it in the end
My note to you:
Please keep going
Action creates Action
Messy action is better than no action
Nobody else is doing anything which is why there is so much time to judge
Just go. Move. Don’t be still. Grow with your experiences but take fast action. Go hard and go fast and break stuff and then go fix it later
There is no tomorrow
There is not another opportunity
There is nobody coming to help you out or give you the keys
The keys are inside that brain of yours
And if you read this far, I know they’re inside your soul as well
You are so dang good. You overflow with “goodness”
Please keep going
Sending you love
I hope you subscribe and share this newsletter for other people who could use this message to help them. It really would mean the world